I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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