I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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