Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize