bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
