I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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