I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
