i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
