Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
