I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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