she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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