He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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