i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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