Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
