Cold hands, warm shart.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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