I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
