I cut my penus on the lid.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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