My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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