Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
