I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
