MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
