I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
