3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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