Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
