I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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