I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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