I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
