census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
