Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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