woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize