the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
