You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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