i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
