remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
