So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
