i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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