You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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