2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize