I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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