thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
