i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
