My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
