I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
