you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
