Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
