I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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