atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You've changed since you got that strap on
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
