I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
