I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize