i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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