the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
