dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
