i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
