I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize