ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
