Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
