he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
