loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
