Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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