I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
